I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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