yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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