I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
