I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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