I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
