i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Alive.
So much puke
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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