Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize