i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I didn't notice because vodka
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
