ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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