Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
