she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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