I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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