2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize