i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
