I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
That reminds me...we need to get swords
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
