I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize