I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
