Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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