i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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