I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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