sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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