i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
