All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
the raccoons are back...
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