So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
