So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
