I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
