My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize