Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Randomize
