i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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