you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
