but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
