I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
we're so committed to being not committed
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
