she was so not down for the gang bang
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
