I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
