we have officially lost it.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize