is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
