this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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