you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
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