I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
