Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
