I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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