Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
