My room smells like vodka and shame
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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