Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
