Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
