oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
