rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
