I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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