The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
