why didn't you poke me back
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
