I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
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