he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
