I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
