I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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