Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
