Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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