I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
