i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
