I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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