I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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